Confused-anuary.

My internal dialogue through the month of January:


“It’s just another month, carry on as you are, you’re doing fine”


“Ooh but it would be a good chance to test out veganism and (selfishly) see if my diet has an impact on my energy levels.”


“But I won’t start on the first, because I have loads of Christmas cheese and chocolate left over. I’ll build up to it throughout January to be ready to try full-veganism in Feb.”


“Why is vegan chocolate so expensive!?”


“Ooh, a ‘Plan Your 2020’ worksheet. I love worksheets and planning and any excuse to use coloured pens and write about my life, goals and limitations.”


“I’m a failure as a person and don’t know what I’m doing with myself and my life and my work and my relationships.”


“Go for a long walk with the dog. You’ll feel better. Then have a nap.”


“I’m feeling better and reading Brene Brown because it’s my book club’s choice this month. Be in the arena! It’s okay to be vulnerable! There is no effort without error!”


“I have such a headache after two glasses of wine last night, maybe I should do dry January. (By now it’s at least the 10th.) Or maybe I’ll just give up wine and still have the occasional weekend gin. I am doing veganuary after all.”


“I’ll just have that one piece of chocolate cake. It makes me so happy.”


“Is veganism actually any better for my health, or the planet?! There’s so much conflicting information. Cornish cows vs Californian almonds? What about oat milk? Are oats okay?”


“I’d love to retrain as an illustrator and write children’s books.”


“I really should stick to veganuary, just to prove that I’m not a total flake. I’m also revisiting my 2020 Year Planner and focusing my goals.”


“This morning’s networking was so inspiring and I feel really encouraged about my workshops.”

“Yeh, but you’re still not making enough money.”


“That’s not true, you’re just not working at full capacity yet. These things take groundwork.”

“I’m going to be brave and finally get my ears pierced because I want to be able to wear locally-made artsy dangly earrings because they’re beautiful.”


“I know I’m saving money and not buying clothes, but this coat is in the sale, it will make me look and feel like a grown-up, and Mum said it was really nice.”


“Okay, one of my resolutions was to put myself out there and go on at least one date this year. (My friends say I need to increase this goal.) I’ve arranged the date: it will be low-key, I will be myself, and I will not put unnecessary pressure on the situation. I’m also taking the dog.”


“Wasn’t sure if I did the date right, so when I got home I watched First Dates on More4. Not useful research but entertaining nonetheless.”


“Oh for fuck’s sake, he’s deleted me from the app. Maybe I should have worn more make-up, a better bra and made some attempt at flirtation. I can’t be bothered with dating, I don’t need anyone anyway, women can have children on their own these days if I still fancy that in five years or so. I don’t need a boyfriend.”


“At least I got a free gin though.”

“This is amazing! I totally missed Blue Monday and had a wonderful day, starting with a sunrise paddleboard where my friends took some highly-Instagrammable photos of me on the water. Only realised it was #BlueMonday at about 6pm, when I’d absolutely smashed it.”

“I’ve also joined a choir on Mondays. We sing folk songs acapella and I’m not sure if I’m any good or if I’m ruining the (very small) group, but it does make me feel warm and fuzzy inside.”


“How is it the 23rd of January already? Things are moving along nicely and I’m excited for the year ahead.”


“Oh My God it’s SO COLD. I’m going back to bed and staying in there with my electric blanket until about the middle of April…”