Heartbreak: How Can It Be Anything Other Than My Fault?

Is there any way of being dumped without taking it personally? Without feeling bad about yourself and losing self-confidence? This sounds too good to be true, but in reality, it’s only a matter of changing the narrative you construct in your heads. And you have control of that, by the way…


Imagine being left by someone you love and being able to say: “They made the wrong decision.” To feel confident that it is not your fault. Or, it may not be their fault either; perhaps you can say that it just wasn’t right.


Puppies and bunny rabbits are both wonderful creatures that bring lots of joy — but they can’t be kept together without damage. It doesn’t mean that either animal is worthless, weak or unloveable. They just don’t work well in that context.


Whenever a relationship of mine has ended I have always been overwhelmed by the feeling that I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I’m thinking of one particular occasion where it seemed so apparent that I couldn’t imagine anything else to be true. I just wasn’t good enough: at being a girlfriend, at looking nice, at being fun to spend time with, at sex, at confiding in someone, at sharing, at existing as a pair. This realisation broke me, because I thought I had been doing okay.


It has taken me years to convince myself that it wasn’t my fault. It was just one of those things. Of course I still wonder if there might have been something specific I did wrong, something that I can correct for ‘next time’.


But I’ll never get an explanation, and it’s important that I settle with that.


I need to be able to believe that those choices were one person’s decision, and not a reflection on how I am, and forever will be, as a person. It was not my fault.


Training myself to say this is one of the hardest things I’ve had to teach myself as an adult, but I hope that it will also be one of the most worthwhile.