Working on limiting beliefs is a really big part of coaching, and I want to share the big one I'm working on at the moment in my business. As is typical, the feelings and fear behind this belief probably come from childhood, and aren't needed or helpful any more. Noticing what's happening means that I can start to unpick and dissemble the thoughts that are creating barriers for my own way forward.
During a recent coaching workshop, I wrote this down in my notebook:
"I'm confident about my skills and ability in my business, but am really uncomfortable sharing these with other people."
"I tend to wait for someone else to promote and validate me, so that I don't have to do it myself."
"What if I could take away the fear of being disliked for being too self-promoting/showing off?"
Ooft, this was a big revelation which I kind of knew about before but hadn't been addressing. This might seem strange given that I write a lot on social media, which is often described as a very self-indulgent/self-promoting tool.
However, when I think about it, it's very rare that I ever talk about things I've done well, or things that I'm 'good at'. Most of my content is about things I'm learning, things I'm grateful for, and things that have inspired me.
When I really have to, I'll promote an event, but the focus will usually be on the space/the practice/the community - not on me. Turns out, I'm deeply uncomfortable with being seen as 'good at things'.
Or, to really drill down into this, I'm actually okay with being secretly good at things. I love excelling at something in private, and am really proud of some of my achievements. Where the discomfort comes in is being told I'm good at things in front of other people, who might then dislike me for being a show-off/know-it-all.
Writing this I can literally feel the 'ick' from school classrooms, receiving praise from a teacher and feeling instant dislike from the rest of the room. I don't know if there was one specific time this happened for me, or it was just a sense that built up in the school environment, but the fear of being singled out and praised has run riot in my head for YEARS.
I've managed to compartmentalise this fear in order to promote my copywriting skills for my first business, because that feels quite detached from the essence of who I am. I can get tangible evidence from my English degree or testimonials from clients, which validate my work and don't really require me to say 'look, I'm really good at this.' Even writing that sentence makes me feel a bit sick.
When it comes to my coaching work and my personal life, it's still a huge challenge. I notice it particularly at the gym - I am so comfortable saying 'I'm a beginner, I don't know what I'm doing', but so uncomfortable if someone in a class draws attention to me and says 'Em, that's really good.' I want to hide in a hole, and usually find a way of saying 'no I'm not' or 'it's only because of xyz...'
My inner child brain still associates being praised as being singled out and separated from the rest of the group.
Basically, I love getting a gold star, but I don't want anyone else to see me get it in case they get jealous and hate me forever. Obviously, this is not my adult brain talking.
However, deep-rooted this self-protection strategy has really held me back, especially in my self-employed work. This is something I'm going to my own coach to work on, and I'm also going to look for inspiration from people who I really respect for their balance of humility and self-assuredness.
Emulating the behaviours of trusted role models can feel like a really good place to start - and I'd also love to see any examples of people (especially women in the coaching industry) who you think do this really well!