Self-compassion is an extremely simple concept that can be extremely challenging to do! However, once understood and implemented, it can be pretty life-changing. The basic idea is that it's more useful, productive and rewarding to be kind to yourself than to waste your energy on self-criticism or over-analysis.
To commit to self-compassion is to keep choosing a kinder way of speaking to yourself, Â in small steps, day by day. It's not a 'quick fix' but a conscious lifestyle habit to be developed over time...
Kristin Neff's Research
Kristin Neff is maybe the most famous researcher on self-compassion, and her model has three main components:
Self-Kindness: the basic summary of this is to treat yourself with the same kindness and care that you would offer to a close friend in times, especially in challenging times.
Common Humanity: accept the idea that suffering and imperfection are a natural part of the human experience. By recognizing that everyone struggles and makes mistakes, we can (in theory) feel more connected and less isolated in their difficulties. This links with overcoming perfectionism.
Mindfulness: being able to observe your emotions with some perspective creates a kind of metacognition, which can help cultivate self-compassion. For example, when you notice and think 'oh, I'm being really hard on myself today because I didn't get enough sleep this week and I'm overtired.'
Benefits of Self-Compassion
Neff's work celebrates the benefits of practicing self-compassion, re-iterating that it is actually essential for good functioning, and not some kind of naval-gazing self-indulgence!
Good self compassion means better well-being, resilience, and overall mental health, which has a direct impact on relationships and productivity. As well as just 'feeling nicer', there is evidence that being good at self-forgiveness is better for work and personal life fulfillment.
It's Not All Fluffy and Gentle
As well as hand-on-heart self-kindness and being gentle with ourselves, self-compassion can also mean needing to be fierce and empowered.
'Fierce self-compassion' is a powerful practice that asks for a strong sense of strength, resilience, and determination in protecting yourself. (Think 'Mama Bear defends her cubs' energy!!)
Practically, this could look like setting firm boundaries, standing up for yourself, saying 'no', and generally expressing your needs and wants. This requires courage and action, in balance with the gentleness pictured above.
If you want to learn more about self-compassion, Kristin Neff has been on a number of podcasts and has also written several books on the topic:
And remember, you can read all the books you like, but the change only happens when you start putting the learning into practice!
Be kind to yourselves xx
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